Random Movie Criticism

I've noticed that fourteen year olds either look younger than they are, or older. Either way, I'm disturbed. I see them every week when I go to the movies, wasting my time and money so you don't have to.

Quick reviews of as many movies as I can think of at one time, in under 50 words (with their Rotten Tomatoes Rating in brackets):

In Good Company (83%) - Decent story, nothing ground breaking. Good performances. Scarlet Johannson is hot.

Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events (70%) - Reeks of Sequel Set-up; Jim Carrey's funny, the kids are great, Billy Connelly is entertaining and the set design is awesome.

Finding Neverland (84%) - Johnny Depp and Kate Winslett have nice performances, the cinematography is somewhat ethereal, and the ending is sad. Good flick.

Constantine (45%) - Better than you'd expect, both the story and Keanu. It's en vogue to ridicule comic adaptations and Neo, but it's definitely worth a look.

Hitch (68%) - Will Smith and Kevin James are entertaining, but the movie eventually dissolves into Standard Romantic Comedy Mode Version 3.0; Until that point, fun and light.

BeCool (29%) - Not a good movie if you're a fan of entertaining stories, cohesive plots, or well-developed characters. Worth it just for Vince Vaughan and the Rock, but only as a rental.

Robots (64%) - I'm decidedly torn on this. I can't decide whether this is better or worse than Shark Tale (34%). Sure, the average movie reviewer liked Robots more, but I'm still iffy. Another cookie-cutter Computer Generated Film. Pixar has no competition. Rental only.

Speaking of Rentals, here's another set of random movie critiques, now available at your local Blockbuster (NO MORE LATE FEES!)

The Incredibles (97%) - Dear God, so good. Everything a movie should be for the following genres: Comedy, Action, Adventure, Animation, Super-Hero, Family. Love it. Buy it.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reasons (27%) - Now that I have a girlfriend, I get to watch stuff like this. Shoot yourself before you do.

Garfield The Movie (13%) - Okay, seriously, not that bad. Amusing tale, Bill Murray is great, and true to the roots of the character. A nice little family films, great for kids.

Love Actually (67%) - Billed as the "Ultimate Romantic Comedy" and it is. Watch it, and if you've ever seen another Romantic Comedy before, you'll understand why. I'm ripping off ideas to use in my own romantic life. Ah, romance. Can I say that enough?

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (73%) - Amazing visual treat with a pulpy 1930s story. Best cinematography I've ever seen. Worht a rent, but only if you have a good TV.

I Heart Huckabees (59%) - The eight-hundredth Jude Law movie of 2004 and just as good as the others before it. Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore) stars, Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin amuse, and Jude Law cries. Fun stuff.

Closer (68%) - This movie teaches you two things: People are inherently bad, and relationships suck. Good performances by Sky Captain, King Arthur, Queen Amidala and Erin Brockovich. Beautiful theme by Damien Rice.

The Forgotten (32%) - Plainly stupid with decent special effects. I can give no compelling reason to see this movie other than to sate your curiosity from the trailers. Here's a spoiler: The kid disappears because of STUPID THINGS. Stay away from this.

And coming out soon:

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (88%) - I saw this once, back in Grade Ten, and then Blockbuster put a Moratorium on it (fancy word for: "It's not renting, so get rid of it); buy this. So witty and brilliant.

Now, go back to your humdrum lives and watch something worthwhile.