Easter Meanings

For those who are filled with religion, humour and understanding, or at least one of the three, I offer up this anecdote by Reverand Rachel Rosi at the First Parish of Bridgewater. Enjoy the tale, and Happy Vernal Celebration, whatever your preference may be.

The popular traditions that surround Easter – the eggs, the bunnies, the Easter Lilies, even the English name for the holiday: Easter are all European Pagan Traditions. Very little of the traditions we love have anything to do with the story of Jesus and his death and resurrection.

Today some of us will go home, perhaps to have a special dinner with our families, to eat eggs and chocolate bunnies, or hold an Easter egg hunt. Last Wednesday night began the week of Passover, when some of us also ate eggs as well matzah, and macaroons. And Tuesday is Earth Day when some of us may feel inclined to pick up litter, work in the garden, attend an environmental rally, or plant a tree.

How can these three holidays: Passover, Easter, and Earth Day, fit together in a way that gives respect to all of life and is honorable to the divine?

Well, last week I was on the phone with my sister Emma and she asked an important question about Easter, that perhaps might help us come to some clarity. As any good minister will do when we don't know the answer, I made up an answer for my sister. Eventually, I did some research on the question -- and called her back--but I actually liked my own answer better.

I'll let you decide which is fact and which is fantasy.

Emma's question was: Why do Christian's eat Ham on Easter? Is it intentionally Anti-Semitic?

It turns out that not all Christians eat Ham on Easter. The sacred food for Passover is lamb, the Pascal lamb, which was the required sacrifice at the temple in Jerusalem.

Christians in the Middle East and the Mediterranean eat lamb for Easter perhaps because of the connection between Passover and Easter, or perhaps just because sheep are plentiful in that part of the world.

Incidentally, the word for Easter in Greek, Italian, Spanish, and other Mediterranean languages comes from the Hebrew word for Passover, Pesach. In Italy, they say “Buona Pasqua!” instead of Happy Easter.

Northern Europeans on the other hand traditionally ate pork and ham because pigs are plentiful in Northern Europe. Americans continued the tradition of eating pig over sheep, and ham became the traditional Easter food.

According to some Christian theologians, Jesus, as the Lamb of God, became the new sacrifice that replaced the Pascal lamb of the temple.

I think it's also significant that in English, the words “lamb” and “ham” rhyme. Instead of the Pascal lamb, Americans eat the Pascal ham.

Now all of these answers are all fine and good, but as a religious vegetarian, I oppose all human and animal sacrifices. In my mind, surely, God intended a more humane and fitting sacrifice than either the Pascal lamb or the Pascal ham. So I dug deep into my tombs of sacred texts to find out the true Easter/Passover/Earth Day ritual food.

If not the Lamb of God, nor the Ham of God then what?

In the Book of Exodus, God appears to Moses in a burning bush. Moses asks what God's name is. And God says, “My name is 'I Am’. Tell the people that 'I Am' sent you.”
Now, if Texas Gov. James Ferguson was right, when he said in 1917, "If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for the schoolchildren of Texas” then English was the language of Jesus and therefore the language of God.

However, in the King James Bible, printed in England as the first official English-language bible, God speaks with a British Accent (As you may recall, we fought a war against the British in 1776 so that we wouldn't have to speak with a British accent).

So, surely, if Jesus and God speak English, then by golly, they speak American English. However, we do have many American accents too. Which accent is the accent of God?

Well, I'm proud to say, I found the answer in a 20th century prophetic text. This text, you may remember, appeared in daily newspapers and later on television. The prophet was a sailor, strong because of his love for spinach, and holy because of his love for that saintly woman Olive Oyl. Yes, Popeye was his name, and holy he was.

One of his famous sayings comes straight from the mouth of God. He says: “I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam”

I yam what I yam.

Not “I ham what I ham,” not “I lamb what I lamb.” No! “Moses,” says God, “tell the people that I yam sent you.”

Yes, the lowly yam, also called sweet potatoes here in the U.S. – Such a fitting symbol for the power of God. A symbol of everlasting life: if you cut the yam into pieces and plant the pieces, then, like other creatures of the potato variety, you will have multiple yams: the yam never dies!

A symbol of beauty: it's shape, it's ruby color; a symbol of the earth: perfectly formed and pure. According to the US Dept of Agriculture, the Sweet Potato Yam is the number one most nutritious food for the variety and quantity of vitamins present in each tuber.

Yes, indeed, this is God's perfect food!

***

Interestingly, vegetarian Jews have already discovered the power of the yam, and have replaced the Pascal lamb with the Pascal yam on their Seder plates. Will Christians do the same? Will Christians replace the Pascal ham with the Pascal yam?

In my conversation with my sister, my brother-in-law Eric chimed in with that perennial question on this topic: Where does “Spam” fit in????

Well I'm here to tell you today that Span definitely does NOT fit in!! It is obviously a temptation of the Devil, placed on our grocery store shelves to fool us into thinking it is the chosen food for us to eat, but it is not!

Don't be fooled. Do not fall into temptation! Spam is not God's Sacred Food!

There is another 20th Century prophet that I've discovered in my research. And this prophet comes to us at a very early age with one question and a plate of food. When this prophet comes to you, I hope you will proudly say, as I will:

I will eat them in a box; I will eat them with a fox,
I will eat them in a boat; I will eat them with a goat,
I will eat them here or there, I will eat them anywhere.
I will eat them, Sam I am – I will eat Green Eggs and Yams!

As I said at the beginning of my talk, I let you decide for yourselves, what is fact and what is fantasy.

I offered a little humor and a little truth.

Let your holiday celebrations this week honor the earth. May we honor all creatures that share this planet with us: The pigs and the sheep and the bunnies, and the chickens and the cows. May we honor what we eat, and eat what is holy.

Buona Pasqua! Good Pesach! Happy Easter! And Happy Earth Day!

Long live the Yam of God!

***

Ask questions of your traditions. Hold on to what is true. Find humor in what is difficult, and create new meaning whenever possible. Go in Peace.

Movies that your Girlfriend or Wife will make you watch: The Notebook

Oh, what can I say about The Notebook, which is out on DVD?

It's a weeper alright... a weeper on nuclear steroids.

Combine every element of a sad romantic story you can think of, mix it in a mental blender than multiply the result by a googleplex, and the result is the Notebook.

It is the story about two, dare I say star crossed lovers in 1940s South Carolina. The girl in question, Rachel McAdams, comes from a rich family with an interfering mother. Ryan Gosling is, you guessed it, some hunky but really really poor guy who works at a lumber mill. Their story is told through they eyes of James Garner to a fellow patient, played by Gena Rowlands at a hospice in our present day world.

The basic premise of this story is despite everything, the two lovers will always come back to each other. Be prepared to be hit over the head by this repeatedly through the movie.

The Main flaw of this movie is that, well, it is really, really predictable. Feel free to fall asleep at any time and (as long as your significant other does not notice), you can miss half the movie and it still be able to figure out the ending before the movie gets there.

That happened to me... in fact I missed much of the first half of the movie. It did not matter, it took me about a minute of watching to figure out the story and figure out exactly how this was going to end. This movie has absolutely no surprises in it. That will not save you however.

BE PREPARED TO CRY.

I'm serious. You will see the ending a mile away, that will not stop your heart strings from being plucked. The lines will all be platitudes that no one would be able to come up with spontaneously. It still will not matter.

They use pretty much every darn trick in the book story-wise, music-wise, acting-wise and camera-wise. It is really sad, hopeful and rather beautiful. My left side of my brain was in anguish over the sheer predictability of the ending, while my right side of my brain controlled my tear ducts.

Most women will love the romantic ideals of the movie. If you feel like picking a fight with your significant other, you can try pointing out the sheer ridiculousness of how the other woman in Ryan Gosling's life, after finding out that Rachel McAdams has come back to him, just goes "She's the one... isn't she?" and then walks away slightly sombre. I know of no person male or female who would take that sort of thing that well.

In the end though, you (if you have a significant other) will probably be forced to watch this movie. As movies that girlfriends and wives make you go see go it isn't too terrible, other than the simplicity of the story.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason is much, much worse.

His Grace.

Blogrolecall

In case you haven't been paying attention -- and why the hell not?!? -- we have some fabulously fine writers-slash-contributors-slash-chicken-flayers to this site. Our current membership stands at seven, so chosen for its relation to other important distinctions of that value; Seven Soldiers of Victory, the Magnificent, Seven, the Seven Seals, and, of course, the Seven Deadly Sins of Man.

I feel, as the Originator of this Delicious Blog, it is my duty -- nay, my honour -- to introduce them to you:

SuperGenius - Priding himself on his vast intelligence, SuperGenius Version 9.5 is a mind of monolithic proportions. Capable of processing over eighty-centillion terraflops per picosecond, with storage capabilities equivilent to that of ninety-nine to the trillionth power dvds full of information, he is quick to ensure that you feel his pride in every statement he makes.

Fortune's Prank Monkey - Avaricious as he is, Fortune's Prank Monkey would have you believe that his intentions are wholly virtuous; desiring only the finest things in life, his greed knows little bounds, save for those of the repulsive "bargain section."

Lenny Briscoe - Despite simliarities to a television character of the same name, Lenny Briscoe seethes at the comparison; envious of the fame and celebrity afforded to his fictional namesake, he has dedicated his life to one of complete order, of which he is the law above all others.

Note: With the recent passing of Jerry Orbach, Lenny Briscoe has turned his attention toward a New York detective by the name of "Sipowicz."

HisGrace - Beneath a quiet exterior lies the cold, barren heart of a ruthless despot; committed to taking over the world, setting it free, and then taking it over again when the false sense of security has completely set in, HisGrace is a wrathful force to be reckoned with.

Augustine - With a love of life, food, movies and anything else he sees, Augustine Caligula Deluise (so named after the most lustful of the Emperors and portly actors) gives into his temptations, and seduces others with his riveting mannerisms and erotic wordplay.

Jack Tango - Due to a fractured hypothalmediamus (the portion of the brain dedicated to regulating media-intake), he remains engaged thoroughly within the concept of perpetual ingestion of entertainment and other self-gratifying actions; the gluttenous Jack Tango can be found wherever and whenever consumption can occur.

AzaTh0th - Forged in the firepits of Apokolips and set forth upon an unsuspecting world, AzaTh0th Xiatixis Marduk Melburniannannagannisfeltselior the Destroyer (AzaTh0th, for short) leads a life dedicated to slothful aggrandizing of those around him. Also, Jolt Cola.

Our eighth member will be joining us soon, thus completely ruining this literary allegory, but until then, together we remain the deadliest of all sins: Unftettered Internet Access coupled with Excessive Free Time.

Enjoy!

First Day of Spring

Ahhh, Spring is coming. Just stop and smell the excitement.

Okay, stop smelling; your nostrils look weird when you do that.

In honour of Impending Springage, and the Eventuality that is Daylight Saving Time, I'd like to present:

6 Things You Didn't Know About Daylight Saving Time

1. Sakstachewan not only doesn't observe Daylight Saving Time, but as a matter of pride, insists that it is perpetually 5 p.m.

2. Unfortunately, with the American currency exchange, you actually lose around 73 minutes of sleep.

3. Although studies show that 68 percent of men remember to set their clocks forward, setting the toilet seat forward comes in at around 17 percent.

4. For one day only, one-hour photo developing actually happens instantaneously.

5. Contrary to popular belief, the concept of Daylight Saving Time was actually invented in 1913 by some guy really eager to leave his girlfriend's house early.

6. Some of us no longer have to set their clocks forward one hour. The aliens do that for them once they've been adequately probed.

The medium is the message… and you’re a retard.

I work a lot with computers and I often have people walking up to me trying in vain to impress me with their expansive knowledge. Once a month I usually get at least one person approaching me smugly and quipping: "You know… the medium is the message". The annoyance I feel when someone says this is not unlike the annoyance that you feel when someone mentions that "It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity".

In all honesty I am a huge Marshall McLuhan fan and he condensed a lot of his expansive ideas into clever little quotes because envisioned that the majority of the population wouldn’t have the patience to read an entire essay on a subject and needed big ideas ‘summed up’. Sadly I don’t think he envisioned a populace so mind-numbingly stupid that they recite quotes without having any idea of the original meaning.

The general idea is that any new technology (the medium) has a profound effect on the population. However, the true meaningful effect is often not apparent to the population at all, and the actual act of using the medium or what is being transmitted is not important, but the simple act of the medium being there is (the message).

Take the elegant example of the automobile. If you were to ask a layman to list all the ways that an automobile has affected us, he/she might mention things like huge infrastructure created because of the oil economy, the wars it creates, or the huge expressways and roads that have transformed the landscape.

Marshall McLuhan would say no, even though all those issues seem huge, the true ‘message’ of the ‘medium’ of the car how it affect’s people’s sense of privacy. It used to be that people went outside to be alone, and back home to be with people. The automobile has provided people with privacy, intimacy and solitude, so they instead go outside to be with people and back home to be alone. This huge reversal of behaviour is the true effect that the automobile has had on the population and for the most part people did not notice it until far after it occurred.

So what effect does something like the Internet have on us now? Does the Internet make us lose our identities? Nope, McLuhan saw that happening with the advent of radio and TV. What will the Internet give us? And how will we be affected by the fact that we can easily find pictures of lesbian nuns having sex with cows? Nobody knows.

What is known however that all of the information traveling over the internet is really irrelevant when you consider the effects that we can’t see, the ones that are hidden from us that we won’t recognize until much later.

I personally hope they have something to do with lesbian nuns.

Hot ones.

The importance of educating youth

There are old sayings in the educational world pertaining to the value of teachers. A lot of them try to convey the point that it doesn't matter if you are a math, English or science teacher, it’s the example that you set for your students, regarding your attitudes, morals and behaviour that really counts. Case in point:

Augustine had a really nice grade 9 science class who generally worked hard and challenged themselves learning about the World of Science – all except little Prairie Dawn. Sadly, little Miss Dawn talked too much with her friends, stayed out too late, didn’t do her homework and ate too many sugary snacks (that is teacher speak for being an annoying little $#@%).

That day Augustine was handing back the first science test of the year and most of the children did well, all except for Miss Dawn. As words of encouragement/warning, Augustine stated that as this was their first high-school science test, many of them would have lower marks than usual and if any of them had very poor marks (said while casually glancing at Prairie Dawn) it meant that they had to work harder, as getting good grades in school was important for their future.

After hearing this Prairie Dawn exclaimed at the top of her lungs, “Don’t worry Sir! I’ll marry rich!” Her subservient peers found this statement quite amusing, and looked to me for my retort.

“Ahhhhh Prairie Dawn,” I began “If you were to marry rich, who do you think would control the money in the household?”

Prairie Dawn didn’t anticipate this answer and I soon added in comments about the nature of relationships, how spouses could manipulate each other as well as being in marriage for the right reasons.

My little speech on the matter went on for a few minutes – and I think I genuinely had convinced Prairie Dawn that marrying for money wasn’t such a good idea – so I decided to drive one final point home to my class:

“Well class, I hope you now understand the dangers of marrying for money. I don’t think any of you will have to worry about it though … you are all far too ugly.”

...

I love my job.

I'm posting this from... THE FUTURE!

I'm not sure how, but apparently Jack created his "Random Movie Criticism" post at around 4 this afternoon, even though it's only about 1:30 right now. His puny temporal powers amuse me. I have changed the time his post was created through sheer will so that my more recent posts will appear at the top of the page.

<rap>
Cower before me as I wreak havoc
with the fabric of spacetime!
I'm a maverick,
oft mistaken for Slavic
But I'm always up for rockin' the mic with a dope rhyme.

Quantum mechanics don't mean shit to me!
Can't you see
That E may equal mc squared,
but I'm not scared
That's why they call me the SG.

So raise up your hands and give a shout to my homies!
Heisenberg, Einstein and Hawking can blow me.
And if you think that I'm a liar or just some kind of playah,
watch it or I'll go back in time and have sex with your Grandma.
</rap>

Peace out.
-SG

Interview with Stephen Colbert

Okay, so pretend my name's Terry Gross and I'm a woman and I work for NPR and I'm not who you actually know me to be and I'm really important and I interviewed Stephen Colbert from The Daily Show because I'm awesome and that's what I do for a living.

Okay, now check out the interview:

http://www.onlisareinsradar.com/archives/002407.php

Okay, now shower me with praise for being able to correctly link to another website because that's really what I do for a living. Sad, isn't it?

Anyway, check out what is both a very funny and very revealing interview with Colbert where we reach in and peel back the layers and find out who the real Stephen Colbert is... <press play now>

-SG

Random Movie Criticism

I've noticed that fourteen year olds either look younger than they are, or older. Either way, I'm disturbed. I see them every week when I go to the movies, wasting my time and money so you don't have to.

Quick reviews of as many movies as I can think of at one time, in under 50 words (with their Rotten Tomatoes Rating in brackets):

In Good Company (83%) - Decent story, nothing ground breaking. Good performances. Scarlet Johannson is hot.

Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events (70%) - Reeks of Sequel Set-up; Jim Carrey's funny, the kids are great, Billy Connelly is entertaining and the set design is awesome.

Finding Neverland (84%) - Johnny Depp and Kate Winslett have nice performances, the cinematography is somewhat ethereal, and the ending is sad. Good flick.

Constantine (45%) - Better than you'd expect, both the story and Keanu. It's en vogue to ridicule comic adaptations and Neo, but it's definitely worth a look.

Hitch (68%) - Will Smith and Kevin James are entertaining, but the movie eventually dissolves into Standard Romantic Comedy Mode Version 3.0; Until that point, fun and light.

BeCool (29%) - Not a good movie if you're a fan of entertaining stories, cohesive plots, or well-developed characters. Worth it just for Vince Vaughan and the Rock, but only as a rental.

Robots (64%) - I'm decidedly torn on this. I can't decide whether this is better or worse than Shark Tale (34%). Sure, the average movie reviewer liked Robots more, but I'm still iffy. Another cookie-cutter Computer Generated Film. Pixar has no competition. Rental only.

Speaking of Rentals, here's another set of random movie critiques, now available at your local Blockbuster (NO MORE LATE FEES!)

The Incredibles (97%) - Dear God, so good. Everything a movie should be for the following genres: Comedy, Action, Adventure, Animation, Super-Hero, Family. Love it. Buy it.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reasons (27%) - Now that I have a girlfriend, I get to watch stuff like this. Shoot yourself before you do.

Garfield The Movie (13%) - Okay, seriously, not that bad. Amusing tale, Bill Murray is great, and true to the roots of the character. A nice little family films, great for kids.

Love Actually (67%) - Billed as the "Ultimate Romantic Comedy" and it is. Watch it, and if you've ever seen another Romantic Comedy before, you'll understand why. I'm ripping off ideas to use in my own romantic life. Ah, romance. Can I say that enough?

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (73%) - Amazing visual treat with a pulpy 1930s story. Best cinematography I've ever seen. Worht a rent, but only if you have a good TV.

I Heart Huckabees (59%) - The eight-hundredth Jude Law movie of 2004 and just as good as the others before it. Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore) stars, Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin amuse, and Jude Law cries. Fun stuff.

Closer (68%) - This movie teaches you two things: People are inherently bad, and relationships suck. Good performances by Sky Captain, King Arthur, Queen Amidala and Erin Brockovich. Beautiful theme by Damien Rice.

The Forgotten (32%) - Plainly stupid with decent special effects. I can give no compelling reason to see this movie other than to sate your curiosity from the trailers. Here's a spoiler: The kid disappears because of STUPID THINGS. Stay away from this.

And coming out soon:

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (88%) - I saw this once, back in Grade Ten, and then Blockbuster put a Moratorium on it (fancy word for: "It's not renting, so get rid of it); buy this. So witty and brilliant.

Now, go back to your humdrum lives and watch something worthwhile.

I love internet cliches

Lets say that we see


in a bar come face to face with


Who would win???
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While you were pondering this we regret to inform you that



For great justice.

-Augustine

It Was a Dark & Stormy Night

"With a sense of urgency he leapt into the fray, a curmudgeonly sort villified by the versimilitudes of many twice-troubled."

That was very bad. If you could not tell, then this is the blog for you.

Its members will be delving into the world of all things media-related and let you know where you should be spending your hard earned dollars (Paypal account pending).

By our word you will know what to read, to hear, to smell, to taste, to touch, how often to do these things, and in what major mixture with one another.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy. You may just have as much fun as us.